Reluctant
by Regelrytteren
Summary: He rarely leaves his chair on the bridge, and then only at times where most of the crew are asleep. He is the best damn helmsman in the fleet, and he does not need them. He just needs to be alone.
1. Respect

**Reluctant**

**1. Respect**

"_Probably no greater honor can come to any man than the respect of his colleagues." – Cary Grant_

He is the damn best helmsman in the Alliance fleet, and she is the best ship in the fleet. It is a perfect match. The Normandy is maybe just a prototype frigate, but in Joker's honest opinion, she is damn near perfect. It could use better seats maybe, but it seems a small price to pay for top of the line stealth system, and a drive core of that size. It is amazing, and he is the only pilot worthy of it.

Most of the grunts on board, have little idea of just how outstanding the Normandy actually is, but all seemed to have reservations about having a cripple handling it. He hates how people stare, when he moves around on his stupid crutches, and he makes a conscious effort not to pay them any attention. Captain Anderson has personally requested him, having previously served with him – he is not going to be made to feel inferior because of a case of glassbones.

Instead he rarely leaves his chair on the bridge, and then only at times where most of the crew are asleep. He is the best damn helmsman in the fleet, and he does not need them. He just needs to be alone.

But soon Nihlus the Spectre is dead, and Captain Anderson is taken down by backroom politics – and Commander Shepard is the new Spectre and the de-facto Captain. And she just will not leave him alone. She shows up after every mission and sometimes discusses the facts of the mission or the upcoming missions, as if his opinion matters, or just throws in a compliment on his skill or a general thanks for saving her rear-end from getting burned by molten sulfur. He always answers, and he is always rude. She still shows, and he thinks she is a sucker for punishment – but perhaps so is he.

The first time, she asks about him as a person, he knows she is just as prejudiced as everybody else. He burns with shame and defends his abilities with fervor. He cannot lose this ship, and he does not need his legs for this. It is not fair. But then she looks astounded and surprised and hurt. She hadn't known. He does not apologize, but finds himself avoiding looking her in the eyes, while he answers her questions, which are never rude – unlike himself – and never demeaning. Does it hurt, she asks and he almost lies. He should have lied, it is too personal. He looks at the screen in front of him, and hears himself say; mostly just my pride. She puts her hand on his shoulder, for just the fraction of a second, but then she leaves. They don't talk about it again, but what surprises Joker the most is that nothing has changed. She still allows him to fly, and asks his opinion as if she values his input.

He listens in on most missions and he wonders how she handles everyone. She is never rude, never too quick on the trigger and he sometimes think she forgives and forgets too quickly. It makes him nervous, and when communications drop, too frequently, his heart works overtime and every nerve in his brains seems on fire. But she is competent and handles herself.

When Ashley dies, he remarks but does not judge. Because experience has taught him, that she is competent and warm, and she does not need his pity or his condemning. He does not feel it anyway, and is not sure he can fake it. He will still go where she goes, and have her back even if she does not need it.

When they lock down the Normandy, he is angry. Not just for him, but surprisingly for her. She deserves better than this – she has proved herself better. So he sits stubbornly at his seat at the helm, and stares into the abyss, because he still cannot help her.

When Captain Anderson bails them out, he does his best work and gets them out of there so fast his bones buzz. And finally at Ilos, he understands that his trust is not one-sided, because all he has to do it tell her he can do the impossible, and she believes him. He makes sure her trust does not go unrewarded, and at the battle of the Citadel he, maybe for the first time, forgets his disease and he is finally flying and fighting – and he is winning.

He does not know till later, how close he came to killing her (though he could hardly have done it otherwise and it is not his fault, no matter what Garrus says), and he is momentarily shocked. She still grins when she sees him, and buys him a beer when the crew goes to celebrate. She seems more alive than ever, and is apparently very competent at drunken singing as well, much to the amusement of Councilor Anderson who swings by briefly.

He wishes it could last forever, and the memory burns painfully when the pod closes without her just a few months later, and he realizes she is dead and he killed them both. And it hurts more than his glassbones ever did.


	2. Friendship

A/N: Faster than expected. Had a difficult time with the suicide mission, but hope it's okay anyway. I'm pushing Arrival for ME3, it feels like it fits there better, and it gives me something substantial as a base for my upcoming guesswork slash creativefreedom and interpretation. Reviews appreciated :)**  
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><p><strong>2. Friendship<strong>

"_A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." - Unknown_

He has been told that she is dead numerous times. He knows this, and finds it less than amusing that people inform him as if he was not there, as if he did not sit in the pod all alone all the way down to Alchera. The bones in his legs were broken in many places, but the pain is earned and he wishes Dr. Chakwas would listen to him, when he refuses painkillers. It is not just a form of punishment – though he has earned it – but a welcome distraction from the burning shame of having lost the Normandy and Shepard all in one swoop. He does not attend the funeral of the dead crew and he stays away from Shepard's memorial. He tells himself he does not care, but his subconscious' protests at night drives him to complete exhaustion.

Sometimes someone from the team approaches him, but as usual he is rude, and they are not her. The Alliance sees him as broken, and subjects him to one psych evaluation after another, and he fails them all. He is furious when the Alliance grounds him permanently, though he knows his refusal of talking about Shepard at all would lead him here. He talks about the unknown ship, the geth and most importantly the Reapers, because it mattered to her, and therefore it matters to him. Alenko does not talk to him, and falls in line because without Shepard, he loses his ability to speak. Joker speaks twice as hard to make up for Alenko's silence.

The team scatters, and he does not really care. Tali stops by his apartment – apparently it is quite filthy – and tells him goodbye. He cannot see her face, but her voice suggests that she too is struggling, and he almost reaches out, it is why she is here, but he does not and she leaves. No one outside the team understands, how it feels to have lived a whole life in black/white and for a brief window of time see all the colors, just to have it taken away. The thought of what they lost is crippling them, but they are so different and every man is an island, so they do not even have each other.

When Cerberus contacts him, he laughs in their face. She hated you, he spits and points his finger in the brunette woman's face, so I do too. The woman, Miranda, leaves but returns a week later with a holo-disc which she leaves on his kitchen table, when he refuses to take it.

He contacts her the next morning and volunteers. It feels like a betrayal, because she would not have wanted this, but he does and it is happening and he will pay the price. He asks Dr. Chakwas to come with, because his bones are still fragile and because he knows Shepard will want familiar faces. He asks Chakwas for advice, when Cerberus offers him upgraded legs, and makes her promise to keep an eye on Shepard as well. He does not trust them, but they are bringing her back and he will deal with the consequences later.

It takes a couple of months for her to wake up, and he is told that her facility is under attack, and he cannot help her. But he does not need to, for she is still competent, and he watches as she struggles with her benefactor and herself, and suddenly he is scared that she will not want him here – with her. He killed her, and that has not changed even if everything else has. But she has not changed, and when she sees him, she smiles – for the first time in her second life – and she does not even mention it. He shows her the Normandy and does not mention it either, but before she leaves, he touches her hand arm briefly and looks at her. He says nothing, and he does not need to, but she smiles and he knows he is forgiven.

The new Normandy is awesome, and the seats are actual leather and the screens are better, and it feels like home. But the new ship is broken, and cancerous, and is talking to him in his ear all day long. AIs are dangerous, and annoying and always on. His whole life, he has been private, and now he sits and look at the blue globe of annoyance, EDI, who is encroaching on his personal space. He really hates Cerberus, but Shepard smiles as she swats at the bill of his cap and puts down his suggestion of tampering, and then suddenly he kind of likes them again. He still does not like the AI.

He knows she meets Tali on Freedom's Progress, and he knows it hurts her that Tali has to leave, but she has always known that Tali would return to the Migrant Fleet, so she understands. He does not comment, but he sees the beginning of realization in her eyes, so he distracts her by complaining about EDI and she smiles, because he is still rude and if nothing else she has that.

He knows she feels lonely, and she seeks out his company more than before, and though he should tell her that she needs to know the rest of the crew and that the others might not come back, he does not, cause he enjoys her company too. She does not say a lot, but having her sitting in the co-pilot chair is soothing, and it distracts from the constant interruptions by EDI, who harasses him about reports and his extranet history. She sometimes falls asleep in the chair, and he finds himself laying a blanket there by the chair, but does not put it over her when she accidentally falls asleep. It will be too personal, so he does not. But it is less personal to adjust the temperature of the cockpit just a few degrees, and she will never know.

Garrus is back, but the stick up his ass, is now bashing everyone to death, and it is like starting over with him, and according to Shepard he hardly speaks to her now. So she stops trying, and instead spends her time browsing the extranet for news on the reapers, collectors, Alenko, Cerberus, T'Soni and Wrex. She listens to 20. and 21. Century music, which he says is ridiculous because we were idiots back then, but she smiles and continues singing under her breath (questions of science, science and progress, do not speak as loud as my heart).

She does not say as much, but he knows that she is distrustful of many of the new crew. She likes Mordin, and though she will never admit it, she loves the company of the baby-Krogan Grunt, who finds an almost child-like delight in every combat-situation. He is completely without subtext, she says, and Joker knows that makes her feel much more relaxed than she has felt in a long time. He expects her to distrust Miranda the most, but it does not take him long to realize, that the room she never enters is where Taylor works. He asks her about it, one night in the mess over coffee. She smiles and looks at Joker with a glint in her eye; I'm not sure, he was first in line when God gave out brains. For once she is rude, and he likes that too.

She does not know what to do about Jack, but he thinks Jack wants it that way and thankfully Jack stays out of Shepard's and Joker's way so it does not really matter.

Horizon is a turning point. She fakes a smiles with him, which is expected, but still hurts, and then retreats to her room. He wants to tell her that Commander Alenko is being a class A fool, but it is not his place and he is not sure it will help. Instead he gives her time, and when he next sees her, she seems more competent than ever, and for the first time since she has been back, she goes to get to know her new crew. He is happy that she has not been broken, but he stills worries that the price, hope, was too high for what she gains, loyalty. He is thrilled, when Tali is back, and so is Shepard. Though she sees him less, she smiles more and seems more sure of herself and the mission. EDI is still annoying, but he is getting used to it and he just does want he wants anyway.

He really hates Cerberus and the Collectors and the Illusive Man's shoddy intel and traps, but Shepard insists that it is not time to leave _yet_, and so he stays without complaint. He still finds pleasure in the small things, such as Shepard showing up in the cockpit drunk on Serrice Ice Brandy, suddenly a chatty Cathy, and she tells him all the things he already knew and then looks at him and says; I'm glad you're here. He does not return the sentiment, but hands her the blanket and watches her fall asleep. In the morning he smirks at her hangover, but follows her down for coffee.

She is jumping through hoops for the crew, getting food for the mess, the couplings for the engineers, she resolves the Hugo Gernsback situation, rescues Miranda's sister and Mordin's friend (She is psyched about seeing Wrex again, and he has to talk her out of bringing his brittle bones on tour of Tuchanka) and helps Grunt through his struggle with puberty (Joker thinks Garrus is on to something, when he suggests lapdances rather than Thresher Maws). She assists Tali on her trial, and speaks so passionately that he can almost see her and see her soul, and it is so rare that it takes his breath away. Shepard laughs, when he attempts to make a quip about the Quarians and instead burns himself. And that feels almost as good.

She helps Jack bomb the hell out of the old Cerberus station, and seems almost disappointed that the illusive man does not call to yell at her. He cheers her up by mocking Jack, and though she admonishes him, he can see the laughter in her slightly shaking shoulders and the twitch at her mouth.

She recruits an insane mercenary and a master-thief next. He has almost never seen her so angry, as when she returns from the mission with Zaeed. He too looks pissed, but when she gives an order he follows without question, so something has been accomplished, but she stays far away from his station and he does not seek her out.

Joker has no idea what goes on at Kasumi's heist, but he is just a man, and certainly appreciates Shepard in a leather-dress, and even more her lack of awareness of how to sit in it. He tries not to stare, and she is oblivious. She never wears it again anyway.

When Shepard goes to see Liara, she comes home, to the Normandy, in tears. He feels numb inside and just looks as she storms through the CIC and into the elevator, seeking the refuge of her cabin. When he calls for a shift-change, and heads up toward the loft, he is not certain why. She has by all means indicated a need to be alone, and he did not seek her out after Horizon.

She is not angry with him for showing up, and though she is not actually crying, it is clear that she is close to breaking down. She can handle herself he knows, so he should just go back down or go to the mess for lunch, but instead he sits on her couch on puts his hand on her arm, and she finally lets herself cry into his shoulder, making his t-shirt all soggy. He lets her lean in, and when she finally tells him of what Liara did, he just gives her a smirk and says: I'm glad you're not dead. And she laughs until he laughs too. He knows she returns the next day to apologize to Liara.

When she returns to the Normandy, she has a scantily-clad asari in tow and quickly leaves again with Garrus and Tali to go the Drakon Trade Center. She does not return for hours, but when she does she has Liara with her, and sets their destination towards the most magnificent lightning storm Joker has ever seen. Liara is almost completely mute on the trip, but Tali tells of Shepard's skill, or lack thereof, in a taxi (but who could be surprised, given how she drove the mako?) and he wishes he could have seen it.

Liara does not return with them to the ship afterwards, and so Shepard returns to Illium without Liara. Joker instantly dislikes the assassin drell, the minute he meets him, and whenever he hears him call Shepard Siha, he gets an urge to mock him mercilessly until he breaks. Which might take some time, but Joker has plenty of it and he is sure he can lure EDI into helping if he is clever enough.

Shepard still spends a lot of time in the cockpit, and when he lets it slip that he finds it curious how an assassin seems to be considered real cuddle-material according to scuttlebutt, and she laughs and concurs. So his plan to bother Thane to death (or at least till death) goes out the window, and that is okay too.

Morinth and Kolyat are both awful children in Joker's opinion, but Shepard just shrugs and says it does not matter. So instead of the usual character debate she plays skyllian five poker with Joker on the way towards the system, where she is supposed pick up the reaper IFF. She seems nervous, and he knows she is nervous and finds it difficult to trust the illusive man's intel, but Joker knows that she knows he has her back. And that has to be good enough.

When she returns she has a geth with her, which the crew puts in the AI core, which seems like a shoddy idea, but Shepard is too busy being curious to remember that curiosity killed the cat and he advises EDI to be alert (I am always alert, Mr. Moreau) and hopes that is enough. He still thinks she is freaking insane, but where she goes so does he. When she blows the Heretics to hell, he suggests that she might do the spare as well, but she just smirks and moves along.

When the whole team leaves, at the behest of Miranda, to pick up the crates from Aria, everything goes to hell. The IFF is working against them, and the Collectors are taking the crew. And for the first time, Shepard is not here to save the day, and the cripple and the overbearing AI has to step in, and though he saves the ship, the crew is already gone. Miranda yells at him, he defends himself and EDI, and Shepard looks worried and sets course towards the Omega-4 relay to get them back. He leaves for his station, and sees Shepard admonish Miranda in the corner, but he does not care and he is so angry, that when she comes to check on him he yells at her, though EDI makes his excuses he still feels like a jackass. Shepard touches his arm and tells him she is glad he is alive, he feels almost okay again and lets himself relax. It is not his fault.

The upgraded Normandy is useful through the Omega-4 relay and though it eventually crashes it could have gone much, much worse, and he thinks he will be able to get the ship running again. While Shepard and the squad is infiltrating the Collector base, he and EDI work as fastpaced as possible, while still keeping track of the Squad. It gets easier, when the crew and Mordin return to the ship, and they all pull their last energy into making the Normandy airborne again.

The ship very quickly gets airborne again, and while the main part of the squad returns to the Normandy, Joker patches a call through to Shepard and her team. It is bad news, as it always is, but this time she puts her foot down and then Miranda puts her footdown, and it is bloody awesome, but now is not the time to celebrate. The bomb is set, but there is combat in the background, and Joker wants to scream, cause time is running out, but it won't help so he has to wait. And it is almost too late, and the final jump is so close to failing that his heart feels close to exploding and he can't even help her (shit shit shit), but she does that herself as well, and then he and EDI do what Shepard relies on them for and it is finally over.

Though personally he prefers when Shepard finally calls him up and tells him to cut the grid to the Illusive Man and it is freaking glorious. When Shepard joins him on the bridge, he salutes her and she does the dumbest victory dance he has ever seen, and it feels like a real win for him as well.


	3. Love

A/N: Thank you for the reviews, you guys rock. I hope you enjoy the last installment in this. I considered tying this together with 'Destiny Stolen' but decided not to go there. This chapter has less specifics about the missions, as frankly speaking I am not an action writing type of girl. I recommend starting youtube and listening to 'Right next to the right one' by Tim Christensen, because the song rocks and I really find it fitting Joker/Shepard even should the worst come to pass and Bioware ignore their epic love story. ;)

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><p><strong>3. Love<strong>

"'_Cause __you__'__re__ the __fire,__you__'__re __the__ one  
>But<em>_ you__ will __never __see __the __sun  
>If <em>_you __don__'__t __know,__ you__'__re __right __next __to __the __right __one  
>I <em>_could __call__ it __many __names  
>But <em>_it__'__s__ myself __I__ need__ to __blame  
>If<em>_ you __don__'__t __know, __you__'__re __right __next __to__ the __right __one__"_

'Right next to the right one' by Tim Christensen.

Shepard is unusually secretive after the end of the suicide mission. She barely visits him in the cockpit anymore, and whenever he gets a sneaking glance at her passing through the CIC, she looks to be even more on edge than she was before. He figures she worries about the coming invasion, but wishes she would slow down and celebrate her victories before moving on to the next galaxy-threatening issue.

He thinks it more than a little odd, when she plots a course straight into Batarian territory; however he does not find time to question her about it, before she is on the shuttle heading into the depths of Bahak alone. He does not hear from her till two days later. He has barely had a moment of sleep, and the whole crew seems to be on edge waiting for some sign from Shepard that she is still alive and unharmed. No one more so than Joker. When her voice finally travels through the intercom, he is at her side as fast as the Normandy can travel and out the relay before it is smashed into billions of pieces by the oncoming asteroid. Before he can even get a word out to ask, to scold, to anything, she has collapsed on the floor on the bridge and he sends word to Dr. Chakwas. Two of the crewmen carry Shepard down, leaving Joker alone with his thoughts.

When Admiral Hackett requests a pick-up, Joker has to defer to his own judgment, and he allows him on. He only hopes Shepard would have made the same call. The admiral does not stay long, but is escorted out by Shepard herself who has seemingly recovered from her earlier collapse. She does not seem angry with Joker, which is kind of a relief, but the look on her face is anguished and it makes everything feel twisted inside. He wishes he could hold her hand, but opts to concentrate on anything but that.

Days later when Councilor Anderson and his entourage "visit" the Normandy, the situation seems to have gone from bad to worse. Shepard is escorted out in holo-cuffs and the Normandy impounded. Apparently Shepard is being held for questioning in regard to the destruction of the Bahak system. Joker makes sure to make himself as rude as possible to his Alliance relief and refuses to acknowledge the presence of Councilor Anderson, even as the Councilor specifically seek him out. It feels like Ilos all over again, except this time she won't be here to figure things out.

A lot of the squad takes the opportunity to get the hell out of dodge, jumping on the nearest freighter out of there. Some to seek aid for the coming galactic war, others to seek personal glory elsewhere. Gone are Zaeed, Kasumi, Jacob, Miranda, Mordin, Thane, Jack and Samara. As he is no longer welcome on the bridge - the crew, Garrus and Tali have been "thrown" from their own posts - they spend most of their time in the starboard observation waiting for word and passing time by playing cards or browsing the extranet on their omnitools. Joker hopes EDI has managed to stay hidden from the overly nosy Alliance grunts. Not so much Legion.

He really wishes someone would take Grunt out for a walk, as he grows more and more agitated by the hour and Joker does not fancy his chances should the Krogan try to ram to glass to the outer vacuum or play toss the cripple with his own fragile ass.

Even though it's been years since he has been on earth, he does not go outside to see or explore. Garrus looks moderately interested, and the crew is barely holding on by the edge of their seats, but everybody stays waiting for the investigation to be over and Shepard to return. Joker hears rumors that Commander, now Spectre, Alenko is on board the Normandy, but if so the man has had better judgment than to enter a room full of angry Shepard-loyalists and former Cerberus employees. Still Joker looks both ways before going out for food or hitting the head.

And then suddenly they are there. The Reapers. And the room is scrambling to fight their way to their stations, to replace whatever Alliance upstarts have filled their position. Grunt carries, _almost_carefully, Joker to the pilot's seat. He is less careful with the Alliance rookie, who lays terrified on the floor of the bridge, begging mercy from the giant Krogan looming over him. If Joker had the capacity to laugh at that moment, he would have, but he has not. The Normandy is up and running and dodging every attack, but he will not leave till Shepard is on board. Alenko is in the co-pilot seat trying to send out messages to Anderson, while EDI (who Alenko has not commented on, thankfully) is checking the stats and is hacking into the Earth's newsfeeds with a live feed from the Normandy's outer cameras. When Anderson's voice is heard from the intercom, Alenko races down to provide cover fire. Finally the Normandy is speeding up and away through the horde of the Reaper invaders.

When they're finally out the relay and out of the Reapers' immediate reach, he lets EDI pilot as he wobbles down the bridge down to the CIC where Alenko, Anderson and Shepard are standing catching their breaths and exchanging words he cannot hear. He knows it looks funny to the rest of them, and it surprises her, but it feels like he can finally breathe again as he draws her into a tight hug. He can feel her face pressed against his shoulder, and he swears he can feel her smiling, but when he pulls away and hobbles back to his seat her face is unreadable.

When Anderson tries to have his Alliance upstart returned to his seat, Shepard throws the iciest look he has ever seen towards her former mentor, and tells him that the upstart, Brown, can co-pilot the Kodiak. Maybe. Sometimes his commander is totally badass.

The next couple of weeks pass in a blur for the most part. The Normandy is travelling back and forth between the different home worlds, most of which he would have loved to see before they turned into a pile of smoking rubble. Every time Shepard comes back with the promise of a new ally for the war, she looks completely drained. Alenko is at her side on almost all missions, and he cannot understand how she trusts him so completely again, but it is not his place to mention. He just wishes his stomach would stop clenching at the sight of them walking together, almost attached at the hip.

Finally one night when she is trying to sleep in the co-pilot chair as per custom, he finds himself opening his mouth asking, no demanding, to know if Alenko does not get lonely up by himself in their bed. She blinks, either in confusion or to clear away the sleep in the corners of her eyes. She says that they are not together, and have never been. He does not know why she is lying, because Alenko has been completely smitten with Shepard. According to scuttlebutt (Ashley) at the time, he had inadvertently made a pass at Shepard at the citadel in front of Ashley and he had spent every other outing looking at her with his big puppy eyes. It had felt less significant then, but he is not entirely sure why.

When she leaves the co-pilot's seat, she turns his chair towards her, forcing him to look her in the eyes. But he does not understand what she is saying, but apparently she does not expect him to, which is even more confusing.

What the hell does _I'll __be __here __whenever__ you __decide __to__ get __a__ clue _mean anyway?

Even though she sounded kind of pissy, she is back the next night with a sci-fi movie in her hands. Before she leaves in the morning, he tells her he does not know what she means, but apparently she knows. And she leaves it at that. Women are incredibly frustrating.

He does not get it till two weeks later (and several bad sci-fi movies) after the incredibly somber Christmas party, after she is supposed to have left for the loft as he heads back to his pleasant leather seat after hours of fake happiness and hidden depression mixed with too much holiday cheer for most of the crew. He does not touch the stuff, because he stills expects the Reapers to show up at any given moment to ruin this life. Shepard does not touch it either.

He is standing at the end of the bridge 'runway' when he finally gets it. Her bare feet next to his chair, her clad in an oversized pajama, with yellow ducks on it, her hair braided and over her shoulder while she toys with the piece of mistletoe in her hands. When he gets there, he throws away the plant, cause frankly it will only get in the way. And it is freaking glorious, and he feels almost electrified when her hands touches his skin, her mouth warm on his. He wishes he was less dense.

But the days go on, and they barely have any time together at all. There are people to recruit and races to befriend, and worlds to rescue, so he sneaks a kiss here and there, but mostly he just holds her hand during his nightshifts as she continues to sleep in the co-pilot's chair. On the days where they both have the night off, they sleep in her room completely tangled in each other and her hair is in his mouth when he wakes up which sort of sucks and then completely doesn't at the same time. He thinks it might be her revenge for every time the bill of his cap has bumped her forehead, when she tries to steal a moment.

He smiles at people in the mess, even at Alenko whom he suddenly feels great affection towards, which is completely ridiculous, but he makes sure to leave before yeoman Chambers sticks her incredibly large nose where it does not belong. Freak of nature.

He hears Thane has passed away, which makes Shepard's eyes water over and her nose turn runny, so he allows her to gently curl up at his side, while he navigates through the stars.

The process repeats, when Mordin dies in an attack at his homeworld. Even his eyes are starting to feel a little moist, but they were her friends and he is so not a people person. But her presence feels pleasant for him as well.

When the Normandy puts the team down for the final mission, and he returns to the sky to lead the final assault, he wishes he could have had more time. More time to talk (about life and sci-fi movies and their childhood and everything else), to kiss (more tongue, more hands, but definitely less space), to fight (about something more significant that the fact that she hogs the covers and he does not share his hat or the fact that they both have terrible taste in music). But they are both private people, so he just kisses her hair and helps her put on her helmet, and then sends her off. He makes sure to say his goodbyes to the rest of her squad as well, even though the pat on the back he gets from Alenko kind of feels like his ribs are cracked, (he knows it is not malicious) in sharp contrast to the gentle handshake from Liara, who looks like she might cry at any given moment.

And then they're off, and everything is sound and fire and explosions. He is zooming through the sky, parallel to the ground and then up and repeat. And allies are dying, but the Reapers are dying as well, and he has no idea who is in the lead.

Not until it's over. The ground is burning, and most of the fleet is destroyed but they won. All around him people are celebrating, and he just sits there. He has no idea how many hours, how many days this has been going on, but it's over now. But he is so exhausted and it won't be over till she's back. And somehow he does not think she can return, because nothing good ever happens to the hero, and he has learned the hard way that she is completely mortal.

The air finally returns to his lungs, when she lies in bed with him that night and he is crying, she is too, and clutching her to his chest feeling her heartbeat almost as fast as his own.

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><p>Last AN: Did not want to spoil you on top, but see what I did there? I normally only do death and gloom, so I've tried going for a somewhat happier ending. Don't want people thinking I'm either clinically depressed or a complete sadist. Read and review for imaginary cookies. Go to .com and voice your support for the Jokermance with a real breathing girl. ;)


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